YES!

Not a very imaginative title, but it expresses how I feel about The Love Guru. No, NO! I did not watch this pile of garbage of a movie. This hate is about me exclaiming in disgust everytime I would see a billboard, preview, blurb, or anything about this monstrosity.

I guess this is my turdtastic review of The Love Guru. And I didn’t even have to watch it!

Mike, Little Man, Justin Timberlake. They all have the same expression in the billboard. Lopsided smile with one eyebrow raised. Apparently this is a funny face and I’m supposed to laugh when I see it and think that they’re all very quirky. But it just makes me FURIOUS! That raised eyebrow is a cheap comedic expression. It’s like when people think they’re being hilarious and “out of the box” when they pose for pictures with a thumbs up and a super wide-open mouthed smile. NO NO NO. They should be crying in the billboard because their sad attempt is so sad. And Jessica Alba might as well be sleeping in the ad because she’s a major snoozefest. Even her prettiness is Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Justin Timberlake sports a mustache in this movie. And I’m supposed to laugh because he has a mustache.  I still don’t get why mustaches have become so darn popular as a joke. Sometimes, sure, it can add a certain highlight to one’s overall look, but just because some panty-wearing ex-boy bander has a horseshoe mustache doesn’t make him a comedic genius. And it definitely doesn’t make Mike Myers a comedic genius for suggesting the mustache. It makes Mike Myers a comedic dunce and Justin Timberlake a comedic dunce turd. Wait, Mike Myers is the comedic dunce turd and Justin Timberlake is the comedic dunce turdlet.

There’s a scene from the preview where they’re in Little Man’s office. And since he is a little man, he has a little office. HOW CLEVER! Who would have thought to put a tiny man in a tiny office and have a scene where all average sized people are awkwardly trying to have a meeting there. I’ll tell you who! A comedic dunce turd, that’s who! Ms. SnoozeFace 2008 has the great line of, “next time we’re having the meeting in my office!” Then of course Mike Myers has to stand up while forgetting that the room is really short and he ends up popping his head through the ceiling square. And then he says something about, “hey Little Man, when are you going to get back to the Lollypop Guild?” YUK YUK YUK.

I was flipping channels and landed on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart the other night. I happened to catch it as Mike Myers was saying something totally hilarious. He was talking to Jon about how Jon should wear “short shorts and roller skates.” Then he looks to the audience expectantly. But no! No one laughs. Neither do I. I am actually aghast that he finds short shorts paired with roller skates to be hilarious. I had to change the channel.

You’re a fool if you went to see this movie and laughed at any of it. Laughing at The Love Guru means that you blindly believe that there is a  man in the clouds that made people out of dust and has a magician for a son. It means that you think a man shouldn’t french another man but it’s okay if two girls suck face. It means that you listen to Maroon 5 and John Mayer and a little bit of Timbaland. It means that you take a crap whenever and wherever someone else tells you to.

Here, how about this, crap on The Love Guru.

I heard on the radio this morning that LA is gonna be doing some cloud-seeding starting this winter. I’m reading the LA Times’ article on this as I type. Cloud-seeding involves injecting iodine particles into the clouds over San Gabriel Valley to increase rainfall. They’ve been in a drought, but are there even clouds available for them to inject? I don’t know. I’ve never been to the San Gabriel Valley. Actually, Charley and I will be going there on Saturday to enjoy some Dim Sum with a couple of friends. I’ll check out the skies when I’m there. Although summer skies and winter skies could vary in the valley.

Aha!:

Ironically, a drought can be the worst time to try cloud seeding because clouds are scarce, and the technique works best in a normal year, when it is believed to entice more raindrops from rain clouds.

Apparently seeding has been going on since the 1950s. But what??? SEEDING?! Have we become wizards? Cool.

Whoops:

The county did cloud seeding over the San Gabriels in the 1960s and ’70s but killed the program after a February 1978 storm caused major flooding in Big Tujunga Canyon near Sunland-Tujunga.

Eleven people died in the storm and subsequent landslides, with damage estimated at $43 million. Dozens of people sued the county, alleging that seeding a day before the storm worsened its impact and that the uncertainty of the science made seeding dangerous.

I hope the plan is better this time around.

YES! The sucky neighbors upstairs are moving!!!

I used to hate bananas. I used to hate pancakes. Now I love bananas. Now I love pancakes.

Eating. Eating more. Full. Wanting more. EVERY DAY!

Stupid goddamn weather.

Get hot already. Hot hot hot. Please! Or I’ll kill you.

Scarlet Lady.

Charley is drunking. He thinks he’s okay, but he’s basically on his deathbed.

I noticed the tiniest feet on the roundest man wearing all blue. Blueberry Baby Foot. RJ took a snapshot.

Salivating for Baby Foot.

Dying.

Blueberry Baby Foot.

RJ: “Whoops, I dropped my wallet by your tiny foot. I’m going to text my mom right now, from down here. Don’t mind me.”

Hey, just realized. Where’s the buddy photo with Baby Foot?

High school 10-year reunion this summer. What does a really lame high school plan for the reunion? A really lame event.

First part of the day: Casual family BBQ.

BBQ, games, prizes and reminiscing. Food will be provided by the class. Definitely not going to this. Reminiscing about how our school was in the middle of the woods and we didn’t have any funds for computers or a proper library but heaven forbid (yes, “heaven forbid” because everyone is 14k there) if they left out a livestock barn for the Future Farmers of America. I guess I could reminisce about how I had to smell pig crap on the boots of a hick who sat behind me in pre-calculus every morning.

Second part: Formal dinner.

WHAT?! Formal dinner? There aren’t any formal places in Grants Pass, which is why they’re holding it at the Wild River Pizza and Brewing Co Public House. I worked at Wild River when I was in high school. I don’t want to have my reunion where I worked as a teenager and I don’t want to sit around at a table all night. Oh, and there are only two entree options we can choose from, sliced top sirloin or breaded chicken. $16.00 per person, alcoholic beverages not included but soda coffee is. What is soda coffee?

Totally Sux

Even though it appears that they blew the reunion fund on the family BBQ, I would be willing to spend a lot (a lot) more than $16.00 if it was going to be something fun. Like mingling over a full bar with tons of snacks and music and dancing. Like how it is in the movies and every other normal high school reunion.

I was actually looking forward to this. Leave it up to HVHS Class of ‘98 to mess it up. What a bunch of bumpkins.

Barfing.

My team and I went into a conference room to have a call with our music composer (Sean) yesterday. We dialed using the conference pod.

First try: 1+number resulted in an error message.

Second try: dialing just the number resulted in awesomeness. We were greeted by a magnificent voicemail, “Hi, this is Matt [FART SOUND]!”

It was a very aggressive fart sound, much like that of a whoopee cushion. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I love fart humor.

Anyway, we were all very shocked. So we repeated the process.

Third try: 1+number. Again, an error message.

Fourth try: just the number. “Hi, this is Matt [FART SOUND]!”

It was even funnier this time. I couldn’t stop laughing.

Then we tried the phone on the counter, and it went through perfectly.

I’m going to go into this conference room today and dial using that pod again. I need to know more! I’ll bring my fart whistle so I can give him one right back.

Sex and the City. Sex and the City. Oooh oooh ooh, Sex and the City this weekend. My girls and I are going to watch Sex and the City. Oh, fabulous outfits. I want their outfits. So scandalous. Sex and the City.

Coloring. Ooooh, I can color all day long. If I had my way, I would color with every crayon in my box. Coloring.

Sex and the City. So sexy. Sexy ladies. Walking down the street. Manhattan. Martinis. Cosmos. Manolo Blahnik. Balenciaga.  Shopping. Charge card. Charge it! Bags and dresses and shoes and men men men MEN! Coloring with men. Hair and earrings and diamonds.

Hags. Yuk.

The end.