Category Archive

Dr. Phil is a jackass.

I watched a preview of his next episode. The preview shows an old man hooked up to a lie detector and Dr. Phil asks him, “have you ever touched your grandchild inappropriately?” The grandfather says no, the machine goes nuts and a woman in the audience screams and puts her face in her hands. Is she perhaps the mother of the inappropriately touched child?

I think it’s good to put a stop to child molestation, but it shouldn’t be done in front of America by Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil is a money hungry evil pervert. Shame on you, Dr. Phil, shame.

That’s right, I don’t like movies or stories set in space. Except for Star Trek: The Next Generation. Space is dark and it makes me sleepy (same with Batman).

What I do like are stories about orphans, magic (in the present and past but not in the future), heists, escapes, old west, and disguises.

The cast of my ideal movie would include:

Daniel Radcliffe - an young boy who escapes the orphanage because the nuns were making him eat roaches.

Colin Farrell - a Fagen-type character who knows the ins and outs of the streets and takes Daniel under his wing. Unfortunately, Colin cannot provide Daniel with anything much better than roaches.

Keanu Reeves - a wise magician who turns up during Daniel’s neediest moments to bear him bread. Throughout the tale, Keanu will show up frequently and eventually start to teach Daniel the art of witchcraft.

William Shockley - will reprise his role as Hank from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Hank is owner of the slummiest saloon in town and has a thing for dewy whores.

Ewan McGreggor - a drag prostitute scoping out the bank from his cover in Hank’s saloon across the street. Many hilarious moments ensue when Hank tries to woo Ewan.

Johnny Depp - the handsome sheriff. Johnny suffers from short-term memory loss but is able to keep his post as town sheriff because he is so handsome. Johnny must keep the town peace and has recently been enlisted by the King to find his daughter.

Brent Spiner - will reprise his role as Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Data comes into contact with Johnny when he accidentally steps into the wrong holodeck room. Data is dressed as Sherlock Holmes and Johnny enlists his services in taking down Ewan. Data devises clever ways to assist Johnny with his memory condition.

Isabelle - the King’s lost princess. Lured by Keanu into a hallow tree where she eats a poisoned slice of bread. Destined to slumber forever unless a handsome law enforcer gives her love’s one true kiss. Luckily for the princess, Johnny, the handsome law enforcer suffers from short-term memory loss and proceeds to kiss her a million times.

Extras - will be played by clones of Timothy Oliphant.

This movie would actually be a mini-series with 1000 episodes that are two hours long each.

I went to hip hop class last night. I wish I could say that I owned everyone in the class (teacher included) but I can’t. I totally choked. At the end of class, the instructor asked me to come to her intro class. At least she wasn’t mean like this one instructor who, while eating a Slim Jim, exclaimed to me, “I don’t know why you can’t get it.” Well, probably because you’re trying to teach me while eating a disgusting stick of butt meat. Also, I was wearing Vans and they have vulcanized soles which were sticking to the floor thus preventing me from spinning. I didn’t realize this shoe problem till the end of class when my friend, Nancy said she was having the same problem. Luckily for her she was in the back corner where no one was looking.

I don’t know why I always end up in front as if I’ve got the skills to bust out. Last night I started up front but then towards the middle of class, as an acknowledgement to my failure, I bolted to the back.

I went home a little dejected. But then I watched America’s Best Dance Crew and became inspired all over again. One of these days I’m going to bring it to the streets and pop it and lock it.

Another thing that lifted my spirits when I got home was seeing that my Zooey Deschanel CD had arrived. She & Him, Volume One. It’s amazing. So great.

I’ve always been a big fan of hers even many years ago when my sister and I watched her on Letterman not knowing who she really was but wanting to instantly be friends with her. Letterman asked her what she did for fun and she said that she enjoyed anonymously mailing her friends pictures of Angela Lansbury. “What a kindred spirit!” we thought. We too enjoyed (and still do) sending people surprises through the mail. When younger, while following our mother’s lead, we would cut out pictures of our realtor and make major adjustments to his face like drawing mustaches, blacking out his teeth, giving him makeup and once…we drew a Chinaman’s hat on his head. Then we would anonymously mail these works of art to the receptionist at his office.

I love watching T.V. and I have no problem admitting it.

I even like some reality shows, mainly the ones that focus on learning (Flip that House, Dirty Jobs, most Food Network stuff), adventures (Amazing Race), interesting families (Jon and Kate Plus 8) and talent showcases (So You Think You Can Dance and America’s Best Dance Crew).

I think some shows need to be put to rest. Like American Idol. Yvonne and I were crazy about the first season. To us, it was the most fun and original show at the time. But now it’s just pathetic. AI should have called it quits after the third season. Now it’s just a joke. Everyone who auditions and gets chosen for the show is basically going on stage to tell America that they are a sad clown.

I need to get a tablet.