Category Archive

Two doors down from me lives my nemesis. She is 12 and large.

First encounter - Walking home from work last summer. I was was wearing a blue dress and brown polka-dotted flats. She was sitting across from my apartment with two younger kids. As I walked by I heard, “no ugly shoes allowed here.” Hm…could she have been talking about me? We were all wearing shoes. I kept walking. When my back was to her I heard, “No ugly dresses allowed here.” I was the only one wearing a dress! She was talking about me. I wanted to turn around and tell her to reign in her new boobs with a training bra so that when she furiously rides around on her Razor scooter they wouldn’t flop around menacingly. But, she’s a child and she knows where I live.

Second encounter - Also last summer but this time I was with my sister, thank goodness! We were walking back to my apartment talking and laughing. The Nemesis was sitting across the path again. As my sister and I turned into my walkway, we heard a mimicry of our laughter coming from behind us. My sister looked back and said that it was the Nemesis mocking us.

Third encounter - Yesterday, while my sister and I were laying out by the pool. I looked up and saw the Nemesis. She was with a friend. They parked themselves across the pool and she took video of us.

Fourth encounter - Also yesterday but later in the afternoon. My sister and I were walking to my apartment after we were finished reading outside. The Nemesis crossed our path to go into her home. As we passed her, my sister saw her crouched in her doorway aiming her video camera and taking footage of us.

In between encounters - Constant stares.

One good thing about the Nemesis is that I’ve learned a good dance move from her.

I wonder if I could hire her to harass my upstairs neighbors.

Charley and I have resorted to wearing earplugs for sleep survival. Horrible and hideous neighbors.

I have weird shaped ear cavities. I’ve always known this. I’ve never been able to correctly wear earbuds/phones and have always had a hard time putting in earplugs. I was very frustrated the other night trying to put these in because all I wanted was to sleep and dumb egg face and his girlfriend were preventing me from doing so. So Charley had to come in and assist me. After a few minutes, he concluded that yes, I do have weird shaped ear cavities. Finally he believes me.

Well, he examined my ears for a bit and then decided that the only way to successfully insert the anti-egg face device is to pull on my ear to extend or straighten out my cavity for the plug. It worked. Now he has to do this every night for me.

I’m going to get those neighbors. I swear. Maybe I’ll bake them an earplug casserole.

Dear upstairs neighbors,

I wish you didn’t have legs or mouths.

Are you trying to sound like a herd of cattle when you go up and down your stairs? What sort of animals are you training inside, ponies or hippos? Maybe you should try walking and playing with your large dog outside instead of grappling with it and smashing it to the floor - our ceiling. You only need to shake out your toothbrush once in the air after brushing instead of tapping it 30-times against your sink (which wouldn’t be all that unreasonable if it weren’t at two a.m.). How about vacuuming during the normal hours instead of at three in the morning?!?! Why do you have such a mean face and ignore me when I say hello?

I want to go up and tell you these things, nicely of course, but I’m worried that if I bring this up, you’ll work even harder at being annoying because you seem like the type of people who would do just that. Why do I think this? Because you ignored my greetings twice, once when I was only three feet away from your dumb face.

Oh, and I kinda like it when you and your girlfriend argue. Why? Because the arguing only lasts for five minutes, since you don’t have good communication skills, and then the both of you sulk for the rest of the night and I can go to bed peacefully.

*grumble grumble*