Category Archive

I attempted to make homemade macaroni and cheese last night. No help from Velveeta because that stuff is a little weird. I made some mistakes along the way and it came out…gross.

Yvonne and I watched Nancy Drew last night. The 2007 version with Emma Roberts. It was really cute. Those books were my life when I was younger. Nancy Drew and The Three Investigators. I would read them while eating a bean and cheese burrito. Sometimes the cheesy bean blobs would fall out of my tortilla and splat on the pages. Even after wiping them off, you could still see the smudges. If you go to the Josephine County Library in Grants Pass, Oregon and check out one of these books, you’ll find my burrito traces between the pages.

I envy males for being able to stand up and pee. I don’t envy how they have to poop. Their meatballs and noodle dangle inside the bowl and touch (unless teeny) the porcelain and germs. They should have a ladle to put their hang loose in.

Here, let me show you what I propose:

We all hate the dentist. Well, most of us anyway. I went yesterday for a checkup and cleaning. No cavities. I feel like this is the first time in many years where I’ve gone to the dentist without needing anything done. I take great care of my teeth, but somehow I seem to get cavities often. I guess I’m just one o’ dem fools.

After determining that everything looked good, they polished and cleaned my teeth. This means no red wine for six months. I tend not to drink red wine until right before my dentist visits since I found out that the tannin stains my bottom front two teeth. Fat fraarzes.

As I’m sure you’re all aware, getting your teeth clean isn’t as painless as they claim it to be. While waiting for the dentist to come in, I was looking at the assistant’s chart that was hanging from the wall. Amongst many placating things, it says to reassure the patient that all procedures are “painless.” Just tell me the tooth! I already know it’s going to be painful and when they claim otherwise it just makes things worse for me. Every time they jab at my gums, tug extra hard or knock the tool against my teeth, I imagine horrible visions because according to them, I shouldn’t feel any pain and because I am, it must mean that something bad is happening in my mouth. With my eyes closed, I see teeth popping out and flying every which way and the dentist putting her finger to her lips and winking to let the shocked assistant know to keep quiet. I picture sad, ugly and jagged stumps.

Please, someone needs to hurry up and create a Scrubbing Bubbles for teeth. Please!