Dr. Phil is a jackass.

I watched a preview of his next episode. The preview shows an old man hooked up to a lie detector and Dr. Phil asks him, “have you ever touched your grandchild inappropriately?” The grandfather says no, the machine goes nuts and a woman in the audience screams and puts her face in her hands. Is she perhaps the mother of the inappropriately touched child?

I think it’s good to put a stop to child molestation, but it shouldn’t be done in front of America by Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil is a money hungry evil pervert. Shame on you, Dr. Phil, shame.

Sista so fly, wanna slap her thigh?
Ka-thump her rump?

Head tossin’, braids flyin’
Hooves stompin’, nose flarin’
Sista ain’t carin’!

And around and around Sista goes.
Sista Pony be fixin’ all yo woes.

Baby ain’t cheap, baby ain’t blue
Baby gonna take you down to school.

Haven’t chu read?
Sista Pony be a thoroughbred.

High dollahs, diamond collars.
So fine, she got her own airline.

Thank you fo flyin’ the Sista Pony Skies.

Do you hear those sweet sounds?

Sista Pony be approachin’.
Hooves high, nose in the sky.

She be tellin’ all you clowns

Clip clop don’t stop
Sista Pony wants to trot.

What’chu have? What’chu want?
Sista’s got skillz to flaunt.

Show her yer dollah billz and frillz and money tillz.

Clip clop don’t stop
Sista Pony wants to trot.

Sista Pony’s full o thrillz.

What, chu wanna piece?

This was shared with me and now I’m sharing with you.

Who wants to jam? Jam. Jamming. Jammin’. JAMZ.

Fast-forwards

• 1:15 to “be a hero”
• 1:40 to experience “quiet reverie”
• 2:13 to enjoy a “jam session”
• 2:35 to see it the Asian way

*UPDATE*

I can’t stop watching this. “More cowbell” has only one instance of cowbell at the end. “Jam Session” is my favorite. I enjoy how they turn the jam over to each other.

Sometimes they’ll twiddle their fingers over the beamz and sometimes they’ll just hold their hand there, but it makes the same sound.

**UPDATE**

The video is no longer available. Sad day.

This is always amusing.

What people searched for that led them here

• tony little
• “pull those wieners”
• jonas brothers pop a boner
• tony little is fat
• keanu reeves
• halle berry
• halle berry pregnant
• wine stains on bottom teeth
• mighty thighs
• cereal shaped like wieners
• tony little no hat
• girls with dildos
• jonas brother boner pictures

Sista Pony be mind trickin’,

She’s a trotting while tail flickin’.

All the others be chickin’.

Scared - cause she one fine mare.

You wanna know how to get this pony satisfied?

Her story ain’t so classified.

She be willin’ to share just to get you to care.

Say it again - this pony be one fine mare.

Sista Pony’s got a hungah

It be the size of thundah.

Hand over some sugar cubes and hay.

Sista Pony’s gonna make you say,

“NEIGH!!!”

The best slippers are from Poland. Polish mountain people make them. Mine are getting very old. I need to get more. Get me more. Get me 100 of them.

This is what they look like:

Image: Compliments of Viceland.com

I played poker Friday night. I got second place.

This weekend I decorated a lot.

I installed a curtain hanger. I’m the handyman of the household. Charley holds things for me or hands me items. We needed a bug catcher for the sliding door so I put up this netting. And then I sewed some butterflies and dragonflies on it so it looks like they got caught in the netting.

I finally hung up paintings and frames. And I put up some paper butterflies. Oh, and I fixed up a nice music player for us. It’s embedded into the bookshelf.

It’s all very nice. Soothing, comforting, peaceful, relaxing. All good things.

My mom and youngest sister with her baby are visiting. It’s nice to be with them and my nephew is totally a future heart breaker.

Mia and Joe got haircuts. They look amazing. Mia looks even tinier. And Joe is just totally handsome now. No more Fabio hair.

I’m sleeping right now. Charley got some sleeping pills yesterday and took them last night. He’s been having problems sleeping. I decided to take some as well just to check it out. Also, I was hoping that they would put me into a deep enough sleep that I wouldn’t be disturbed by our neighbors. I took them too late though so I’m still sleeping now.

Splat.

Shhh…
Don’t show don’t tell.
This pony’s got a jingle bell
full of love for the thugs.

She wears Lugz.

Come and git your licks,
Sista Pony’s got the kicks.

She ain’t nuthin but a fine mama.
Sista Pony make you wanna…

*Unh*

Sista Pony want chu to know that she be HOT TO TROT.

Sista be winning all the races down at the track.

She’ll win you one large sack full of cracked

Corn.

All the other pony’s be worn, so forlorn.

Bet big, bet hard.

This pony’s got the mighty thighs and the mighty rump

To make you fo’get your change be CHUMP!

After the win, she gonna sing her big whinny song.

Won’t be long

Till you be rakin’ in the riches

Cause she outshine all them bitches.

You know what Sista Pony be wantin’ after da win?

Come on Daddy Mac,

Give her some oats

Out of her sack.

This pony’s victory ain’t no sin.

To keep this baby safe and sound,

Give Sista a nice rub down.

RUUUUUB DOOOOWN.

I attempted to make homemade macaroni and cheese last night. No help from Velveeta because that stuff is a little weird. I made some mistakes along the way and it came out…gross.

Yvonne and I watched Nancy Drew last night. The 2007 version with Emma Roberts. It was really cute. Those books were my life when I was younger. Nancy Drew and The Three Investigators. I would read them while eating a bean and cheese burrito. Sometimes the cheesy bean blobs would fall out of my tortilla and splat on the pages. Even after wiping them off, you could still see the smudges. If you go to the Josephine County Library in Grants Pass, Oregon and check out one of these books, you’ll find my burrito traces between the pages.

I may have taken things a little too far today. I’m mainly worried about Charley giving me grief and chanting “I told you so!” Because he did tell me so last night when I was describing my prank.

I played an April Fools prank on some individuals today. A very professional looking but totally ridiculous prank. One person didn’t get past the professionalism of it and may have reported this to their superior. I’m not sure. I half think they’re turning the tables on me and I half think that I’m in trouble. My plan is to deny deny deny.

Anyway, I did a lot of reading about April Fools today and the most interesting thing I learned was that the French used to put real dead fish on people’s backs. They now use paper fish which they have to stealthily pin to the fools’ backs. I want to put dead fish on someone’s back. But how would it stay? I think it would have to be placed more over the shoulder than on the back.

P.S.

I love pranks.

This makes me feel dizzy…

Image: compliments of BellaSugar